There are things I remember about my labor with Noah that I never wrote about. I definitely want to capture these while they’re still in my head since I know these memories are fading more and more as the days pass.

Mark had never been so strong for me. The day before Noah was born, Sunday June 7, 2009, my contractions really started picking up. I remember sitting on my birthing ball in the living room with Mark behind me to massage my back between contractions. I had no interest in him touching me during contractions. The midwife had been over earlier in the day and my labor stalled while she was there. Maybe that should’ve been a clue to me that I just didn’t want her there. While on the birthing ball I had contractions roughly 4-5 minutes apart. I had Mark call her, but she wanted to talk to me. I did not want to talk to her since it was difficult to do through contractions. She seemed to not notice or care that I didn’t really feel like talking or listening to her while I was having a contraction.

My mom completely took over Elias’ care in the early evening. While he was eating dinner, I went to go take a bath to see if that would help with the contractions. I fully expected to be back out to play with him some and see him off to bed. Mark sat in the bathroom with me talking me through my contractions as they got closer and closer together and more painful. He got me a yogurt. He looked in my eyes and told me I could do this. He was everything I needed him to be.

When the midwife arrived, I decided to get out of the bathtub, only my contractions were never-ending and crippling to me and I could not move. Although when she arrived she said I could take my time in the bath, the moment I decided to get out, I felt like she was rushing me back to the bedroom so she could check my progress. I wanted to try to regain my composure and hobble back there, but she had our office chair on wheels delivered to the bathroom threshold so I could be wheeled back to the bedroom. It was a little humiliating and I felt it was insensitive to be rushed in my own home. In my recollection, at least, I was clearly communicating over and over again to wait and that I’d get back there when I got back there.

I never wanted to labor laying down. The contractions were a lot more painful when I labored on my left side and I communicated this to the midwife, but she told me it would be good for progress to labor in that position. So despite me telling her a number of times that I had no interest laboring holed away in my bedroom, she left me there propped up on my left side with a pillow between my legs and my hypnobabies MP3s to listen to. I didn’t stand up to her because I wanted to do whatever it took to get the baby out of me naturally this time.

My hypnobabies materials helped tremendously during this time. Contractions stopped feeling so painful and started feeling like an intense pulling in my groin. This feeling easily escaped me a few times, whenever I let my concentration slip just a little. When this happened it became harder and harder to get back to this painless state. Mark was there laying next to me most of this time.

I remember my midwife sitting on my bedroom floor, whispering to her assistance when Mark and I were feet away discussing whether or not I should go to the hospital. It was starting to click with me that my water had been broken since at least Saturday and there was probably meconium in the water that entire time. Saturday night I thought it was dried out bloody show. Sunday afternoon during my midwife’s exam, she had no explanation for the brown streak she pulled out on her glove other than asking if I had a yeast infection. My water broke first with Elias and it was very clear when it broke and I kept gushing until his birth. What I experienced with Noah’s water breaking was nothing like that. I had no idea when it happened and there was no constant gushing.

I sat in the bedroom through several more contractions and I struggled with wanting to go to the hospital so badly. I felt like I was too weak. I felt like I was giving up. I knew the staff would be supportive of my VBAC with me arriving in active labor IF everything was okay. (And they were. In fact, the hospital staff was helping me through my contractions and supporting me more than I felt my midwife did.) My midwife was telling me during this time that they’d automatically want to do a c-section. She wasn’t outright telling me I should stay or go, which I appreciate. She very much left that decision up to me… but with her comments to us and the whispering, I got the feeling that she’d think less of me if I left. That made the decision harder.

I wanted the epidural as soon as I got to the hospital. I knew the chances of me having a c-section shot up walking into the hospital and the next worse thing to having a c-section is having one under general anesthesia and being completely knocked out for my baby’s birth. I had a HUGE urge to push with every contraction. I tried to fight it as much as I could. All the nurses kept asking if I felt like pushing. I lied to them and told them I didn’t. I’m not exactly sure why because they could tell I was trying not to push during my contractions. I was afraid it would be “too late” and I’d wind up under general with a c-section.

That was a pretty rough hour. Sitting in a hospital bed (I couldn’t move even if I’d wanted to since the contractions were crippling), with contractions right on top of one another, trying not to push, trying to listen and answer as many of their administration questions as I could, wondering when the midwife was going to get there so I could be checked, wondering if they’d have anything to say about the fact that I stopped going to them for care a couple weeks prior.

After I got the epidural, the pain went away, but I still felt VERY pushy through each contraction. It was much, much easier to control my urge to push. The midwife asked the OB to come in and talk to me based on what she was seeing with Noah’s heart rate. The OB did make a comment about my absence from their care. She said I obviously very much wanted a VBAC since I stopped seeing them. It was said kindly. She, too, knew that I would have been pressured to schedule a c-section the moment I hit 40 weeks. She knew without me having to say anything that I didn’t want to be bullied by them, so I chose to wait it out on my own. (I’m sure she didn’t know I was planning a home birth; I never would have said anything about that at all. As far as they all knew, contractions started and progressed suddenly.)

The OB was concerned about Noah’s heart rate dropping in half with each contraction combined with my water being broken and old meconium. This concerned me too. I never would have known about the heart rate dropping if I’d stayed at home. The OB was very kind and stood there with the midwife for some time. I did not feel pressured into a c-section this time, unlike with Elias. I felt the decision was entirely up to me and Mark. I decided for the c-section and I felt confident in my decision. Mark cried and mourned the loss of my VBAC for me. I don’t remember crying; I was ready for the next stage.

I share these photos with a heavy heart. This is not the way babies should be born into this world. This is not what I wanted.

Noah being cut out of me…

Moments after birth… he was not being held.

Our first meeting was cut short by the fact that my head was turned the other way and I was vomiting…

It’s easy in hindsight to say I could have waited it out, or the heart rate recovering after contractions was a positive thing. When they cut me open, there was no amniotic fluid left and Noah was swimming in old meconium. With Elias, I still struggle wondering what more I could have done to prevent his c-section. With Noah, my mind isn’t split. While I am sad that my home birth ended up in a transfer, I feel happy to walk away from the experience having labored for a few days and winding up with a baby that did not aspirate any meconium. I’m not saying, “Thank God for the c-section” or, “at least I have a healthy baby.” I just can’t question the decision I made because I know this time, unlike with Elias, I was following my instincts.

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