My Broken Heart Can’t Shoot

By
Lynda Giddens
– Mon June 21, 2010Posted in: Photo Stories

Mark and Boa 5 days before he left.

It’s over half a year into project 365 and I can’t believe I’m still going! Okay, to be fair, I missed about two months right before, during and after our move to Texas in March. I had intended to keep up with the project during that time, but Mark left Georgia three weeks before we did and I was heartbroken without him. We’d been together for ten years and not apart more than a week during all that time. It was depressing to be in my home, seeing my kids not be able to hug him or smile at him. Not being able to see him interact with them. I wasn’t expecting to miss that. I knew I would miss Mark and I knew Mark would miss the kids. I had no idea I would get into such a funk because I couldn’t see them together.

I’d taken photos every day faithfully up to and including the day he left. It’s not surprising my only photo on our last day together was of food. I made the four of us French Toast Waffles in the morning (which are the exact same thing as regular french toast, but pressed in a waffle maker). It turned out a bit hard because the bread I used was too thin.

02-26-10 Waffle French Toast

I remember our good-bye in the parking lot in the early evening and then carrying Boa up the stairs while holding Mr. Serious’ hand and trying to explain to him again without crying that Daddy was not going to be back anytime soon. That night was hard just because I knew what was coming.

I didn’t pick up the camera the next day or the day after that. Not one single time, in fact, for 10 straight days.

For 10 days I mourned Mark like he’d died. Coincidentally the day I started shooting again I also began packing. In less than two hours, the master bathroom was completely packed and scrubbed down. It made me feel hopeful about the huge task of packing up our whole apartment in a little over a week’s time. I believe Mr. Serious was at daycare and Boa was with my mom out in the living room while I worked. When I was done, I brought Boa into the bathroom and set him down on the counter to get shots of him and his reflection.

03-08-10 - Noah Mirror SC 03-08-10 - Noah B&W Face

I remember feeling inspired to resume Project 365. I was happy with a lot of the shots I got, yet another 10 days passed before I held the camera again. I had lunch with a coworker who asked about my photography and suggested I could take pictures of us moving. I thought I could do that, so I went home and snapped.

03-18-10 Packing

By this point, I told myself once I moved and was settled, I’d resume the project. Over the next month, I picked up my camera many more times, but I didn’t resume shooting daily until the end of April.

03-24-10 Unpacking [83/365] 03-30-10 Elias Messy Hair and Sidewalk Chalk [89/365] 04-12-10 Sha're [102/365] 04-22-10 Earth Day Elias and Mom

Through this I realized that I just can’t shoot when I’m depressed. Shooting daily is like a smile I force upon my face to convince myself I’m happy, but it works. Days when I get no pictures are ones I typically don’t like to remember, but if I do find anything to shoot the day suddenly becomes a little more tolerable.

What do you shoot when you’re feeling down, or do you put the camera away? How does your photography reflect your feelings?

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