This photograph was taken a year ago today, when Boa was around three weeks old. My little Boa Boa was a completely different baby! It holds a lot of memory for me and when I look at it, I feel what I was feeling when it was taken. I didn’t get a lot of photos of Boa in his first few weeks of life (as you’ll see, most of our shots of him were with my camera phone) and I was happy to be taking such an amusing and cute shot on my point and shoot.
The reason I hadn’t taken many photos in the first few weeks of his life is because I was struggling with my milk supply and had little time to do anything but breastfeed, up to 20 hours a day (something that would not change for several months and then only because I had to go back to work). I have chronic low milk supply and knew the moment Boa was born that I might have problems making enough milk for him.
And I did.
The Beginning and Background.
We got through the first three weeks without supplementation, but they were tremendously difficult. Before Boa was even a week old, I’d started taking several doses daily of Mother’s Milk Tea; an herbal blend containing things like Fenugreek, Blessed Thistle, Red Raspberry Leaf and Marshmallow Root; a separate supplement of alfalfa and Domperidone.
Normally it is not recommended to be so aggressive right off the bat with herbal supplements. For most moms it takes a few weeks for their milk supply to adjust and if they start taking supplements for what they perceive to be little milk it might lead to over-supply which is no walk in the park either. From my experiences with Mr. Serious, I could tell fairly soon after Boa’s birth that my supply was going to be a struggle.
I was very hopeful, much more so than with Mr. Serious, that I would be able to exclusively nurse. Unlike Mr. Serious, Boa’s latch was perfect from the start. He didn’t lose as much weight when the hospital reluctantly let us leave only if we promised to have a nurse home-visit the following day and take him to the pediatrician the day after that. Yes, it still looked bleak, but I was armed with experience, determination and the knowledge of a better start.
I breastfed Mr. Serious for five months while supplementing using an SNS: a supplemental nursing system where a container holds the milk and little tubes run down to the nipple so the baby can nurse while receiving supplement, which is also supposed to help boost supply through its use. I also took similar amounts of herbal supplements and domperidone and he always needed a substantial amount of formula, up to 30 ounces a day. There are some people who continue to suggest that this happened to me because of my c-section and I frequently need to bite my tongue to keep from saying very bad things to them. Perhaps if I had given up the notion of breastfeeding two weeks in, we could all blame the c-section, but there’s no logical reason the measures I took shouldn’t have given me an adequate supply after several months of diligence.
I Made More Milk, But Not Enough.
On this day last year, Boa was not gaining weight like he should. He wasn’t moving on the scale more than a few ounces here and there. His urine had orange crystals in it, a sign of dehydration. The crystals were actually getting less and less while his wet diaper count was becoming more what it should, so I thought this was a positive sign.
Boa hadn’t had a bowel movement since he passed the last of his meconium on day 4, however. He was very healthy otherwise: elastic skin, no sunken fontanel, moist lips and mouth, alert and awake, not fussy at all. It was a scary situation and I wanted so badly not to have to supplement him. But no bowel movements for more than two weeks for a newborn is not normal. He needed more to eat.
(By the way, both our pediatrician and an IBCLC were aware of the situation. Strangely, the IBCLC pushed more for supplementation than the pediatrician.)
I feel blessed to have a friend who donated some breastmilk to me when it was evident that the baby needed to poop and to poop he needed more to eat. With a heavy heart I fed him 3 ounces via the SNS. He pooped soon after, proving to me that I was not going to be able to escape supplementation.
The top photograph in this entry was taken the day after we started supplementing. That is why it’s such an emotional trigger. That day I knew (or felt that I knew) my body was broken. Crippled. I could not nourish my child.
The Importance of Breastfeeding Support and Milk Donation.
It always makes me sad to learn that someone has chosen not to breastfeed her child or that a new momma gave up on breastfeeding because she didn’t have the support. I know breastfeeding is hard and despite what many lactivists will say, it is not necessarily easier than popping a bottle in the microwave to warm up.
At least, it never was for me.
There was always an SNS to juggle; 34 pills to remember to take; supply-boosting food I tried to eat as much of as possible, like oatmeal, even though I loathed it; or worry… worry that I was starving my baby or that he would react poorly to the supplement. Worry that someone would stare at me when we went out in public if I pulled out a bottle because my breasts alone weren’t able to satisfy him and using the SNS in public would end in tears.
Breastmilk is like liquid gold; I truly believe that. I think a baby can grow up just fine on formula, but there are risks that frankly aren’t there with breastmilk. On top of which, breastmilk contains a plethora of antibacterial properties. It is designed to keep a baby healthy, not just nourished. I wanted nothing more for my children.
Every woman deserves to be armed with knowledge and professional support to help her breastfeed her children. Instead of marketing formula like it’s some miracle cure and padding the pockets of big (and questionable) organizations, we need to make use of women who have an abundance of time, knowledge or milk and can gladly contribute to those in need.
We can’t look down on women for either bottle feeding OR nursing in public. Let’s support one another in the healthy nourishment of our children and stop all this childish, petty and horrifically prudish behavior that makes women feel they have no place to turn to for help.
A Swing and a Miss. Strike Two.
I had to let go of my dream to exclusively breastfeed both Boa and Mr. Serious for the first six months like it was a friend who died in a terrible wreck. This mourning and grieving is something I still work through daily, but a year ago there was a lot more crying and hand-wringing, trying to deny and trying to hide myself away as to not look anyone in the eye. I felt like my body was broken and I couldn’t supply an even very basic need for my child. I felt like a failure and a disappointment.
It’s okay that I felt that way. The feelings are still locked away in my heart, but they are mine to own. I’ve had people try to tell me before that there’s nothing I should feel bad about, but for most, their children were privileged enough to grow and thrive on their mother’s milk while mine needed help. I’ve had people tell me that in the olden days or a perfect society, another mother would step in for me (kind of like my friend who donated much more milk once she discovered we were in need) but that thought doesn’t remedy my pain either because I am still a failure to my child. I am so happy for Boa that he was able to get so much breastmilk for so long, but it still breaks my heart that I couldn’t produce it all for him.
I think it’s okay to have this pain. As I mentioned before, it’s like a death and that’s something people never really get over fully. There are reminders that bring back the pain full force, but in general it’s a little easier to deal with every day.
For entries detailing exactly what happened when it happened, you can check out my Yesteryear archives.
This post was inspired by Flashback Friday at Christopher and Tia‘s.
Sending you a big hug! What a dedicated and caring Mom you are! You inspire me
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you. I appreciate you being there with me throughout this experience.
Firstly, I love that photo of Boa. Love, love, love. I remember when you first posted it.
Secondly, I feel for you and understand your pain and sadness. I’m sorry that you feel like your body failed you and I wish there was more I could do.
You are a great mom in my opinion and the fact that you worked so hard and struggled for so long and tried so many different techniques to maintain breastfeeding speaks to that. You inspire me.
In fact, you and other mamas here on LJ are what helped me to breastfeed successfully. Your wealth of knowledge and support helped me make it through some difficult times with pumping and nursing. I don’t think I could have done it without you and the other ladies! I don’t think I can adequately express it here, but THANK YOU.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you Lauren. Your comment made me cry. It feels good to have helped someone else, yet I feel sad that not every woman has that support. There is a lot of finger pointing at “formula feeders”, but the system is broken. They are not to blame.
*hugs* I feel you very strongly right now. You put into words many of the things I felt and still do feel. Boa is such a loved child. He has a great mother who tried day and night without stop to give him her best. `qqqqqq2<—- From monkey. He feels you too.
I love that picture of Boa. You can see how happy he is and how loved he is.
Monkey jumping on me to type, so have to get off. Just want to send *hugs* and to let you know someone gets you so damn hard.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you. I know you went through a lot of similar issues. Doing something so natural and wonderful for your child shouldn’t be so difficult.
For real. Everyone says how easy it is. WRONG. (cx <—-Monkey passes on his love again.
This brought tears to my eyes.
You have done the best for your children that you possibly could, which is thousands of times more than many women do, even though they easily could. Despite serious difficulties and clearly huge emotional pain, you’ve soldiered on to give your children something great they they will likely never fully understand. That, in my books, is what the best mothers are made of.
You are amazing, and when you’re feeling poorly about the hand life has dealt you, please remember that. You are amazing.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you. I appreciate your words of kindness.
Hi, Lynda, thank you for visiting me yesterday and for your kind words. I tried hard to make the blog look like what I invisioned and I’m soooo glad it’s finished! I struggled with breast feeding my daughter (17 months)and finally gave up after 3 weeks. It was some emotional roller coaster. I look forward to browsing through your photos… I wanted to be a photographer for years, it’s an art close to my heart. I fumble through the shots of my baked stuff, I try. =)
~Dawn
I totally understand the pain, I have PCOS and Hypoplastic breasts, which combined to make my milk supply extremely low. I shed many tears, and still feel the guilt/hurt at not being able to exclusively BF my little girl. But she’s still nursing at almost 22 months, and regardless of how much or little she’s getting, I’m thrilled that we still have that bond, and she’s getting at least some of the magic mama milk. She’s hardly been sick a day in her life:) And I know I tried everything that I could to increase my supply: Fenugreek, Blessed thistle, brewer’s yeast, oatmeal, sweet potatoes, SNS, pumping, etc. I also made my own organic goat’s milk formula after the first 3 months of using regular formula, which made a world of difference with my little girl:no more spitting up, she went from being miserable and crying all the time, to a happy and thriving babe.
Anyways, I saw your post on the LJ BF group, and I had to come commiserate:)
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you for sharing your story. I think the guilt comes from so many people saying if you just work hard enough… take the right measures… you WILL be able to produce enough milk. I know that’s the case for the majority, but as the minority I feel sometimes people are unsympathetic to true chronic low supply issues.
Wow, but I applaud you for sticking with it. So many women would have just given up. I struggled with feeding my first, having the opposite problem- too MUCH milk. I ended up having to pump for 6 months, since she wasn’t able to latch on, and after that, I threw in the towel. But with my second, I was much more determined, and nursed him, too much milk and all, until he was ready to stop nursing on his own.
Seriously though, you’re an inspiration
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Too much milk cannot be dismissed as a problem either. I applaud you for pumping for 6 months! What benefit you brought to your daughter!
I fully feel my experience with my first helped me do what I could to minimize my problems with my second. How wonderful that you were able to learn from your experience and nurse your second until he weaned himself!
dude, right on with your breast feeding endeavors.
Hope you don’t mind if I pass this along to, oh, everywhere.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Not at all.
This was me. I still don’t know why it is I couldn’t exclusively BF my son, though. It might have been allergy, it might have been low supply, it might have been faeries stealing my milk while I slept, I have no clue. But supplementing was the hardest thing I ever had to do, and considering some of the other stuff I had to deal with? That’s saying something. What you’ve said here rings so true. So very true. It’s exactly where I was 1.5y ago. Thank you for saying what I’ve been having such a hard time saying.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
I’m so sorry you had to supplement.
I am 98% sure I have insufficient glandular tissue. Have you had your thyroid checked? I don’t think allergy usually affects milk supply like that.
In my case, I will build more glandular tissue with each child. I can also take goat’s rue during pregnancy as that’s supposed to help build glandular tissue, but I’m not sure whether or not that works.
I’ve had everything and back again checked – I’m perfectly healthy, and nothing is out of whack but my iron (big stunner when I was 3 mo. pp and nursing, right? ^_~ ). I don’t even know at this point if it was a supply issue. I never pumped well (something like .5z via pump every 4 hours), but I always did (and still do) have milk there. The only reason I suspect allergy is because the poor boy did a lot of spitting, and I can’t remember where I’d seen it, but something about how he could be not absorbing what he needs because of other issues… I don’t even remember. I’ve kind of tried to block a lot of it out, and now it’s biting me in the butt. ^_^ I am hopeful that it was a problem of improper latch, and therefore low stimulation, so low production. The ped gave us a whopping one week with a lactation consultant before he sent us to the ER with Dire Warnings of renal failure.
Good luck to you going forward!
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
I’m so sorry. Good luck to you also, going forward if you have another.
Most IBCLCs don’t run into too many of us. Medical support of breastfeeding is so ignored in this country that when all natural resources are exhausted, they’re really at a loss for what to do other than suggest formula or donated milk.
I’m so ecstatic that I got a lot more milk with Boa than Mr. Serious and it makes me hopeful for another. But really, I’m flying blind based on everything I’ve been able to read on the subject (I love Dr Jack Newman with all my heart – he’s saved me a thousand times over).
My IBCLC could only help me up to a certain point. She actually wanted me supplementing a lot more than I did. I bought a baby scale (not cheap) so I could monitor his weight daily and before and after each feeding. I tried to do everything I could to keep him healthy and on as little supplement as possible. But that was truly exhausting. I don’t blame women who can’t take it.
Twitter: @Nirvana_Mamma
You made me cry! This is one thing that drives me nuts is how women separate themselves into different camps to say that it’s their way or the highway. I’m in the middle. As always, I believe that whatever works for you and your family, whether breastfeeding, bottle feeding, or a little of both, then it’s all good. But, for you I am sad, because you couldn’t have what you wanted. Big HUG, my friend. You tried harder than I would’ve. For sure. In those times in life where situations don’t end up like I wanted,I ask myself, “Did I do all I could do?”. And if the answer is, “yes”, then the only thing you can do is try to find a reason in it all. Maybe someone is reading your post today who is struggling with breastfeeding and is finding comfort. Thank you for sharing your story.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you Erin!
If there’s one thing that this experience taught me is that the mama’s sanity comes first and foremost. Parenting a newborn is hard when everything is going perfectly. Throw any sort of woes into the mix and you really need to cut the family some slack and just be there for support.
I get it a lot – that other women wouldn’t have gone through what I did – and I TOTALLY get it. I think I could have done MORE, I totally could have, but at what sacrifice? At some point, my need to spend time with my boys and family overtook my desire to pump out as much breastmilk as humanly possible.
Twitter: @wantapeanut
I too had some problems breastfeeding, though thankfully supply was not one of them. For me, the hardest thing was the pressure and guilt surrounding breastfeeding, especially when my first, born early, had a hard time latching and staying awake while feeding. I think I would have had a much easier time if I believed it was a choice to make and that my baby would be fine if I had to supplement or even quit. Once I came to that realization, and gave myself the freedom of a bottle once a day, I had a much easier time of breastfeeding.
Thanks for the perspective. That first picture is wonderful.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
I’m so sorry you had problems. So many women do and they’re given insufficient support or sometimes are shamed for even trying to breastfeed.
During my first pregnancy, there was no question in my mind that I would breastfeed and do anything I could to overcome obstacles. I had no idea it would be SO difficult.
One thing I think increases guilt is that almost every lactivist I know goes ON AND ON about how easy it is. I think that’s a bad “pro” for breastfeeding because I know very few women for whom it is EASY.
Breast is best – I SO believe that, but a sane mommy is best too. There are some breastfeeding problems that are more easily worked through than others and it’s no fair at all for people to judge mamas who have a hard time of breastfeeding and no support OR are unable to breastfeed due to latch or supply issues they were never able to resolve.
Twitter: @funwithmama
Thank you for this article. I’m a mama who breastfeeds my kids and truly believes that it is best for kids. To be completely honest, I am one of those mothers that used to get annoyed when I’d hear ppl claiming low milk supply. I honestly thought that milk works on demand and if u don’t offer any other supplementation your milk would be enough. After reading your article I do understand better that there truly is cases where mom wished so hard to breastfeed but that for some reason it just didn’t work out. I thank you for making me understand and letting me see the light.
I carry a lot of guilt with me about having a c section. I wished for a normal delivery without a epidural but my body failed me. I have complications in my third trimester and a very irritable uterus. I am forced to have c sections… But ill always wish that I could have delivered naturally. Great post! Very thought provoking!
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you for commenting, Nadia. I understand your guilt and pain in having a c-section. I’ve had two, even after planning a home birth for my second son. We do plan on having another down the line and I’m going to try for another natural birth, but this time probably in the hospital with a doula. (My midwife REALLY let me down, but I don’t blame her for my 2nd c-section)
Anyway, a lot of women do THINK they have low milk supply and that is where education and support come in. Many just don’t know what breastfeeding a newborn is like. Most moms I talk to who’ve claimed low supply never had to deal with orange crystals or lack of poop or the scale not moving despite having a perfect latch at the breast 20+ hours a day.
But I’ve absolutely come across some that DO understand these struggles. Melissa at Confessions of a Dr. Mom posted an article just yesterday, Breastfeeding Broke My Heart. She has the exact same issue I do: insufficient glandular tissue.
I’m glad I was able to make you realize that chronic low milk supply DOES exist. Frankly, the judging eyes and words of people who believe it to be a myth are among the most painful.
Twitter: @Melissa_DrMom
Oh Lynda, your story brought me to tears, it is so eerily similiar to mine. The internal struggle, feeling like you’ve failed your child…thank you for sharing your story. Oh the oatmeal, the SNS…those two things kinda drove me nuts.
I am so impressed you were open to donated breast milk. I wish I had had a more open mind about that. My friend generously offered…it kind of felt like a knife in the heart to me. I should have gotten over that.
I’m so glad more awareness in being brought to this issue. While I was going thourgh it, I didn’t tell anyone…I felt like they would think I was making up some kind of diagnosis.
Anyway, thank you for your thoughtful comments and for sharing this story. What an amazing mother and woman you are. The pictures are beautiful.
I feel like we could talk about this forever and actually really relate to each other and understand what we went through. Thanks again:)
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you for dropping by Melissa. I am so thankful I clicked on that link I saw this morning. With the title, I was really scared to. Breastfeeding articles are usually pretty painful for me to read, but even more so when I read that a mama gave up on breastfeeding for a problem that likely could have been solved with the right support.
So I wasn’t really sure what to expect, but the very first sentence let me know I’d be able to relate.
I do tell everyone when the subject comes up. Usually I get a lot of, “oh, I had that problem too”… when I come to find out again – the woman didn’t have enough support and was led to believe through her pediatrician or hospital (non-IBC)LC that she wasn’t making enough milk.
Usually, I mention I have chronic low supply rather than insufficient glandular tissue. Some women act like if they don’t see my blood test proving I don’t have a hormone problem that I’m just stupid and couldn’t possibly know I have IGT. This is also painful… dealing with women who’ve never known a true supply problem and treat me like an uneducated moron because I supplemented, without trying to find out my story. And these are so-called lactivists!
Chronic low supply is easier to explain and I lead them to the Mobi Motherhood site, which is SUCH an excellent resource for women with chronic low supply. It was my savior for my first child. From their website (what made me fall in love with them):
I totally mean it; if you ever want to talk more about this, I’m always available!
Twitter: @blairlovesjason
Got here through Twitter. Great story. I do not have chronic low supply, although I do have a pretty fragile supply and have to be more vigilant about breastfeeding management than some moms, especially during the newborn phase. I had a lot of problems getting started with my first daughter, who lost 15% in 3 days, so in some small way I can relate to your story although I ultimately have managed to EBF both of my children (after the first month of supplementing #1).
I loved reading about your breastfeeding journey. You have really done right by your boys by giving them every last ounce of breastmilk you had. What an inspiring story. Congratulations and thank you for sharing.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you Blair! And how awesome for you to bound back from that rocky start and EBF!
Twitter: @sarafree
Thank you for sharing your story Lynda. I struggled with breastfeeding my first one. I felt like such a failure in the hospital when the nurse aggressively tried to show me how to do it as if it were common sense.
I also had c-sections and can’t believe that someone would think that is the cause for low milk supply. That just isn’t true.
But is so true that a picture can instantly take me back to those little moments that were struggles when I first became a parent.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you Sarah!
If I didn’t have help outside the hospital, I never would have made it a week breastfeeding my first. They were all pretty much terrible support and like you, I experienced them aggressively trying to show me (as in taking MY boob and SHOVING it in my baby’s mouth).
Good breastfeeding support is SO needed.
Hi Lynda,
Thanks for sharing your story. I too have IGT. I didn’t know it back with my oldest son, who is now almost 13. I just figured I wasn’t trying hard enough. He has special needs and had a lot of trouble latching on. Took him forever to nurse as well. With my second son, now 5, I really was gung-ho nursing, but he had severe jaundice and eventually required supplementing. He quickly preferred the bottle to me. With my daughter, now 3, I was so determined to do everything right. She also had to be supplemented early on. I was able to provide about 50% of her needs (and that was on the max dosage of domperidone). At a year she bottle-weaned, and we continued to nurse 2-3x/day until she weaned at 22 months.
I was sooooo excited to be pregnant again, I felt that THIS TIME would be it! I would do it! (I was still in somewhat denial about the IGT.) Then I found out I was having TWINS… and I grieved so much for this. So sad, but true. I just kept thinking, well there goes my breastfeeding relationship. I can’t make enough milk for ONE baby–how on earth can I do TWO?!
I wanted to give it a try, though. I started domperidone (max dosage again) a few hours after the twins’ birth. They were smallish (5 lbs. 3 oz. and 5 lbs 11 oz.) which I think helped at first–they didn’t require as much to eat. We EBF for longer than I did with any of my other children–almost 3 weeks! Then Aaron needed some supplementing due to jaundice… then we started topping off before bedtime. But things were still going well. At their 2 month check-up the doctor said they needed more to eat, and instructed me to supplement 13 oz. each per day. I was sad… but I knew it was coming. They were clearly hungry after they nursed. If it were just one baby, I’d be using the SNS this time around–one of the things I was eager to try. There’s no way I could do it with twins though–especially with three other children to take care of!
Anyway, the twins are now 11.5 weeks old. They nurse 7 times a day. Six of those times, they get 2-2.5 oz. of supplement. I love the early morning feed–that’s the one when I don’t supplement at all. Makes me feel like a “real” mom. So sad… but over the years I’ve come to better terms with things. And I’ve definitely had more milk with each pregnancy. This time around, I feel that if I had just had one baby, perhaps I maybe wouldn’t have had to supplement.
Thanks again for your wonderful post.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
*hugs* Thank you so, so much for commenting, Marcie and for sharing your story!
You are such an amazing mother for ensuring your children get every drop of breastmilk you can provide. WOW! I know very few mothers who breastfeed twins (one of our close friends, amazingly does). I cannot imagine how much time that’s taking you! Twins are a wonderful blessing, but I would probably feel a drop in my stomach too, for the same reasons.
The SNS left me in tears through almost every use with my first and about a third of the time with my second. It is so difficult to master; I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to try it with twins!
Thanks again for commenting and I wish you the best!
Twitter: @FrAmericanDream
Breastfeeding is VERY hard work. Those that don’t need to work at it are the (lucky) minority but your pediatrician or your OB will never admit it.
I posted my own story on the matter:
http://www.francoamericandream.com/whattoexpectasanewmom/
After trying everything and being totally overwhelmed, when my son categorically refused any type of formula and my supply continued to dwindle, I could not watch him loose weight. Domperidone was my last recourse, and it saved the day for me.
Thank you for posting your story, I trust it will help many new moms out there.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
I really appreciate your story as well. Thank you so much for pointing me to it and writing it.
Domperidone is a life saver and the only thing that really made any drastic changes to my supply. Unfortunately, it’s illegal to manufacture in the USA and because the FDA will not endorse it for breastfeeding, doctors will not prescribe it. (which kills me because FDA doesn’t support Cytotec as an induction method, yet OBs use that DAILY and it’s far far more risky than dom for mom AND baby!) Anyway, I had to buy it overseas at inhousepharmacy.com.
Twitter: @mommyhoodmemos
Hi Lynda. Oh, ((hugs)) to you. I often think about what it must be like to grow old and have my body fail on me – fail to do the things it’s “meant” to do. And yet then things like this happen and you realize that it’s not always old age that contributes to an imperfect body.
Of course we know that, and yet it doesn’t make it any easier. And really, although I can UNDERSTAND your feelings of failure in this (birth, breastfeeding, it’s all so personal and sensitive) I also have to say that the fact you persevered as long as you did with all the measures that you took… that alone shows that you are an INCREDIBLE mama. Really, really you are. I hope you can see that, even despite the pain that comes from this wound. Thanks so much for sharing. xx
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you Adriel. I like to think of myself as stubborn, but I’ll take the compliment of being a good mama.
Twitter: @rachael1013
Lynda, I had a similar experience to you, but my supply was SO low that I was supplementing from the start with my 2nd. He would never get more than an ounce breastfeeding from me – between BOTH sides. I had to stop at 5 weeks because I didn’t have any milk for him, and he’s been exclusively formula fed since.
It is nice to hear another woman describe the loss of the dream of EBFing as ‘grieving’. That’s how I described it with my first son when I had to make the decision to stop trying after 2 weeks and no milk coming in. If I think about it too hard, even now, it almost brings tears to my eyes despite the fact that I have no control over the truth that my body just doesn’t produce the milk to feed a baby.
Thank you for sharing this, I think it’s SO important for women to know that it’s not perfectly easy all the time, and that judgement is not the answer.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Rachael, I’m so sorry for what you experienced – bravo for doing your best with breastfeeding. Every ounce counts! Your children surely benefited from any amount of milk you were able to give them, especially early on.
Have you had your thyroid / hormone levels tested? For most women with supply problems, this is the cause. Though unfortunately IGT seems to be more and more common. I have to wonder what in our environment is causing our bodies to fail in such a critical way.
The judgment of mothers who use formula is disgusting to me. I will FOREVER support a mother who wants to make breastfeeding work and I would not recommend supplementing [I'll leave that to the DRs] – but some of the comments I’ve heard are so over the top cruel.
There’s a “lactivist” on Twitter (@RadicaLactivist) who LOVES to tear apart “formula feeders” and feels she is completely justified in doing so. The amount of other good-hearted lactivists who support and RT her is disheartening.
I wrote about the time she tore me apart without ever learning my situation. I was just another one of those women who failed breastfeeding and loved formula.
NO mother should have to put up with that crap. How does judging other moms do anything good for our society?
Twitter: @penguinelk
Hugs! The grieving does lessen. This post took me back to when we discovered I wasn’t producing enough with my first. He gained an ounce a week for three weeks before the doctor insisted on supplementation. I had to have my husband feed him. I would leave the room and sob. I remember being so sad that we had to wean (I was able to fight back – it was caused by a thyroid issue that we resolved) at 15 months. I was pregnant and the nursing (dry nursing – milk dried up right away with pregnancy) was causing massive contractions.
I hate that much of my memories of my first son’s first year are tied in with the fear and sadness from breast feeding issues. Now that my second is here (and growing like crazy on my milk), I realized how much I missed enjoying the first’s babyhood.
You are right – the grief remains. It lessens, but does not completely go away.
This is precisely why I will not ask any mom why she isn’t breast feeding. Too many wounds can be opened.
Thank you for sharing your story!
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you for sharing your story with me, Audra. My second was just getting back up to his birth weight at 3 weeks. I was lucky to have the amount of breastfeeding support I did, but I definitely pushed the limits holding back on supplementing him.
I’m SO glad you were able to figure out your problem! For most moms with a supply problem, it’s a thyroid issue. Better breastfeeding education (especially of the OB/GYNs and midwives supporting postpartum women!) is sorely needed so these types of issues can be tested for and caught earlier on.
Your story is moving and reading you has actually brought back the pain and yes, real mourning I suffered with for the first 3 years nursing my firstborn having had to give artificial milk supplements (with an SNS) for his first 6 months. I was fairly sure that I wouldn’t have to go through it again for my second born, but I was wrong, I did. The second time round I used a lact-aid and its now a foggy memory. My first born nursed for 4 years until my second pregnancy and my second child is still nursing at age 4 and I dont plan on making him stop! Personally, the deep pain of not being able to exclusively breastfeed has been very much softened by maintaining my lactation sooooo far beyond the local norms. I created an association of at-breast supplementing moms so we can all support each other. We have an ongoing support forum and I’ve made a website. Mothers in France mostly end up supplementing because of lack of comptetence in the public health care system, and very few find out about at-breast supplementers. Most of our mothers only need it for a few weeks or even days sometimes, but some of us, like breast reduction surgery moms need them until the introduction of solids. The biggest hurdle is what you are talking about, getting over the pain and dissapointment at having to supplement. The ones who hang in there until real food calories replace the artificial milk calories though all say how strong they feel though having gone through such an experience. Its a bitter sweet victory when you can breastfeed for years, despite not being able to exclusively breastfeed the first 6 months. We are so proud afterwards to be able to say “but my child has never had a bottle”! Thankyou for writing such a beautiful story. Charlotte Presidente http://www.allaitementpourtous.com
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thank you for sharing your story, Charlotte! How wonderful you’ve been able to breastfeed for so long!
I weaned Mr. Serious at nearly 6 months. I didn’t have a pump and had so little milk after going back to work it was painful and depressing. For Boa, I did get a good double pump and was able to pump up to 4oz a day while at work, which a HUGE mental relief.
I wanted to give Boa the opportunity to wean himself. Shortly after he turned a year old, he refused my breast. I don’t think it was a nursing strike and I’m not sure how much milk he was getting anymore (we moved, I started working from home and no longer needed to pump). So I didn’t get to breastfeed for an extended period of time, but I did let him wean himself.
You are right, the nursing relationship is precious and I’m really glad I maintained it with both boys as long as I was able to.
I’ve got chronic low milk supply. Breastfeeding two children was definitely an emotional experience for me. Doctors weren’t helpful, and I was just told to quit over and over. I did exclusively pump.
Herbs were really the turning point for me. With my second child I saw a lactation consultant in a larger city, and she told me to try Breastea. I was already pumping every 2 to 3 hours, so I had a good solid pumping regime.
I went online and ordered the Breastea, and I started seeing my milk supply increase that first day. I went from pumping 1 ounce to over 5 ounces. I was able to continue this until my son started cereals and eating solids. It changed my whole breastfeeding experience.
I’m still sad that my body by itself can’t produce a huge milk supply. I really didn’t get any support during breastfeeding and I was often told by other moms that I just needed to breastfeed only, etc. I was very relieved when I saw that the herbs in Breastea were working. Some moms have to pump for a variety of reasons.
Thanks for such a heartfelt article.
Twitter: @PhotoLynda
Thanks for sharing your story with me Diane. I’m so happy you were able to attain a full supply by using herbs!
I find breastfeeding support, specifically for moms with low supply, to be incredibly lacking and insensitive.
So true! I really went through a terrible time and didn’t get much support from the experts.
Thank you so much for sharing your story! I found it very inspiring.
I was diagnosed with IGT after the birth of my daughter. She is 4 months old and we have been using an SNS since her third day of life. Anyone suggesting to you that this happened because of your c-section is an idiot–I had an unmedicated homebirth and I only produce a couple ounces of breastmilk a day. My mom had 3 c-sections and had no breastfeeding difficulties.
In my internet research, I have come across very few women who have used the SNS for as long as you. I commend you! I know how hard it is! My daughter has recently started pulling at the tubing at each feeding & I’ve asked myself how much longer I can handle using the SNS. I’ve heard that the work put into breastfeeding can/will benefit your subsequent breastfeeding relationships. Have you heard this?
What do you think helped you increase your supply with your 2nd baby?