I hate posting in parenting communities when I make mention of the fact that I use formula. I hate feeling like I have to offer my full history so that others will find my formula use acceptable. I feel so guilty about it even though I’m still breastfeeding at 3 months with a supply that yields me maybe three ounces a day if I’m lucky. I hate buying formula at the grocery store. I hate it when Mark’s friends see me preparing formula for our son. I hate it when the subject of formula comes up in almost any context. I hate having to remind myself that I have done and I am doing everything I can short of quitting my job and attaching myself to a pump 24/7 to make sure my son gets as much breastmilk from me as possible.

And yet some boob nazis will still frown on me. I don’t know why I care so much. I guess I feel that if the boob nazis aren’t satisfied that I truly have a legitimate reason to “supplement” with formula, I’m not trying hard enough.

It’s really hard and heartbreaking to remind myself that I am trying and that most women would have completely abandoned the breast at this point.

I don’t want to make myself into a martyr or anything, but damnit, I did not choose formula for convenience or because of a “gross” factor or any other namby-pamby reason people choose formula. I cry when I read breastfeeding posts about people with “low supply” being able to produce 12+ ounces a day or only needing to supplement with a few ounces of formula every day. I cry when I read about someone who had a full supply and gave up on breastfeeding at x days/weeks/months because it was “too hard” or “hurt” or interfered with her lifestyle. I live with guilt gnawing away at me telling me that my son is on formula because of something I did wrong, even though I know that makes no logical sense. Even if we did have a bad start, there’s no reason why nursing around the clock with an SNS and several lactation aids wouldn’t produce much more milk if something wasn’t wrong with me.

I don’t think this guilt will ever lessen or go away. I’m scared to have another child even though I definitely want one because what if I’m not able to nurse her as well? My struggle with breastfeeding has been the hardest and most heartbreaking part of being a parent for me and it will be difficult for me to go through it all over again.

It’s just hard to be positive about the steps I’ve taken when they don’t feel like enough to me.

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